Before becoming a father I was the centre of my life. That changed drastically once our home was brightened by the arrival of our newborn. At that point, my wife and I buckled up and went on this crazy rollercoaster of confusion, exhaustion, excitement, dirtiness, love, sleep deprivation. It was a very strange time indeed. The memories of it are sporadic and often seem like stories told by someone else.

Parenthood is as much about raising a child as it is about raising oneself. In the drastic lifestyle change that I experienced I started to unlock truths about myself I didn’t know. One thing surfaced, I’m sorry to say, is anger. The little one can light my fuse like nothing else. Resisting sleep even when it is desperately needed, being hungry but refusing previously favorite food, doing what they are not supposed to do and arriving at the expected poor outcome. There are a multitude of reasons that a person used to dealing only with the carefully crafted personas of grownups cannot fathom. Furthermore, in the world of an engineer where everything follows well-defined rules, this behaviour is flat-out backwards.

I know I’m not alone as I have witnessed other parents of both genders show signs of the same feelings as I did. The manifestation in my body was so engulfing, that after a given episode, I would have a headache or feel how my whole body is wound up (I’m assuming from the perceived brace for impact my limbic mind was preparing for). Afterwards, I became sad over my overreaction to something that is quite normal for a child and confused as to why I reacted in a way so unnatural to me. I was also worried that I my child and wife were confused by me suddenly turning brisk and hot-tempered.

Time went by and I became more comfortable with my role. As our child grew older and more stable in its routine, our family developed a strong deep bond based on love and affection. Still, I wanted to understand or at least learn to control these strong emotions.

Since the beginning of the year I had some major breakthroughs in my quest for self-mastery. One is based on the continuous extreme high-quality output by the good people at The School Of Life. Their work is so true, their written word has such depth and weight to it, that reading something after feasting and contemplating on one of their articles feels pale and tasteless. The link I share here is pointing to a particular technique that I am trying from time to time - taking some time during to day to ask myself “What am I feeling now?” Such a simple question that one could answer with “Nothing” and carry on with their day. The skill lays in waiting, dwelling on the moment, and letting the inner feelings and thoughts bubble up to the surface.

Another technique I learned about was based on the awesome conversation captured on this Knowledge Project Podcast episode. I’m talking about AVP (Acknowledge, Validate, Permit). In essence, one needs to Acknowledge what is happening to them (I acknowledge that I am angry at my child), Validate the emotion that they are experiencing (It makes sense that I feel angry since this is my first time being a parent and I don’t know how to react) and give themselves permission to experience that emotion (I allow myself to feel anger).

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to justify anger so lightly. To me, this is an exercise that is aimed at deeper understanding and ultimately control of my perception and reaction to the surrounding environment.

The two techniques complement each other. If you name the feeling, you disarm it. Knowledge is power after all. Hence, knowing what is happening, can at least give one the mental space to look at the situation from the side as opposed to from the passenger’s seat.

I must say that this is very much a work in progress. I forget to do AVP, I forget to set aside time during the day. I don’t like it but I’m honest with myself about the process of incorporating this practise in my day. My ultimate goal is to create change and I know that this takes time.

Now all of this work is great … for starters. The real kicker comes when I get to know why I behave this way. That, dear reader, is a different discussion altogether. One that I need to have with myself and my parents.